Stut-tut-ttering p-poet

You know that guy I've been... erhm... "flirting" off and on with?

Yeah.

I kind of screwed up.

I don't know if its an american thing, or the supposed "next stage" we were taking it to, but he kind of.. uhm.. got aggressive in his attempts to... er... court? woo? entice? (okay, I can't think of a word to describe it) me. Anyway, I did what I always do.

YES, I ran away.

I have officially perfected the art of running away. Nobody can do it better than me. That's a guarantee.

The scared, frozen look, the big eyes, the weird "eh..hehe.." laughter? Yes, I've perfected it.

I don't think I will ever be able to successfully flirt with anyone, and get away alive.. breathing. Even when I'm dating someone, and we've passed what most people term as the "uncomfortable" stage (I'm not most people by the way. Frankly, the whole process is very uncomfortable), I still cannot.

I remember this time I tried it on Rahil.

He laughed at me.

Very very hard, till I was red in the face, and very embarrassed and very pissed off (Remind me again, why didn't I break up with him sooner? lol). And then he did the whole "Oh my god, Shiva? Are you trying to flirt with me?!" in that stupid, incredulous voice, I can still clearly hear in my head.

Go away Rahil, go away!!

And I gave him my na-uh! are-you-kidding-me look and did my "pfft! NO!" response, except he probably caught that guilty expression on my face, and hence, he laughed harder.

I swear to god, with the way I react to the possibility of a relationship, I should've probably been born a male. Yes, I believe strongly in that stereotype.

I RUN from any sort of commitment, but for different reasons. I feel terribly nervous the whole time I am with someone, and I can't handle that perpetual nervousness and therefore avoid relationships in general.

I was sitting in the bus today, and there was this guy sitting next to me and a girl sitting opposite to him. She was reading a book, and this guy next to me kept staring at her and fidgeting. He obviously wanted to talk to her. I didn't have anything better to do, so in the pretence of listening to my ipod, I people-watched. Yes, I admit it, I stalk strangers lol.

So anyway, this guys fidgets and stres at the im-so-pretty-woman for the first ten minutes of our ride, and I'm terribly bored by it, wondering if he's actually going to say something to her.

He finally does :-

Nervous, sweaty guy : I think I've read that book.

Girl (doesn't look up)

Guy (louder) : Hey, I think I've read that book

(The guy had nerve. I was so impressed. If it was me, and she hadn't heard me, I would mentally sigh, slump in my seat, pull my hood up and wish for the ground to swallow me)

Girl (looks up) : Oh really? (Smiles)

Guy (encouraged) : Yeah! It's good. How far have you gotten?

Girl and guy continue talking the whole 45 minutes I'm on the bus, about the book. I listen for a bit, and then turn on Carcass on on full volume for the rest of the ride so I can't hear anything.(Oh by the way, thank you Avan, my best.. I'm sorry... EX-best friend,, for putting Carcass on my ipod. You know me SO well)

This time, I sigh, slump in my seat, pull my hood up and wish for the ground to swallow me. Everywhere I look, I see people making connections with other people. I embarrass myself and say stupid things on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, MINUTE-TO-MINUTE basis, and it frustrated me when I see every one else go about it with such ease.

So this guy wasn't the best example and was kind of bordering towards being a Shivangi (that's going to be an official term soon, used in asylums or something.lol) . But that is precisely my point... he wasn't. And even though he was nervous and sweaty and looked like he was about throw up the whole time, he did better in that conversation than I would have. That's why sometimes I wonder what people really think of me when they see me. Do they even see me? Or am I just a nervous, stuttering, uncomfortable blob they don't really notice. Why? Because there is nothing to notice.

Ok that's it. I'm going to stop. I refuse to make this another "deep" fucking blog post.

I feel like I'm drowning in all that depth.

There I go again.

Uff.